The World of Crabfighting

A Secret Culture

Wargames and role-playing games used to have a certain dissident panache. Back in the early 1980s – when the mainstream culture knew RPGs only through Pat Robertson, Geraldo Rivera and films like Mazes and Monsters – to openly admit to gaming was to open yourself to accusations of Satanism and criminal insanity. Nobody got burned at the stake, but if you were in your teens at the time, the anti-RPG backlash certainly had a Salem-like feel. Some people went underground, and gamed in secret. Others kept the faith, running their games in what, retrospectively, seems like a rather brave act of defiance.

Well, that was a long time ago. The dungeoneers of the 1980s are the working stiffs of the 21st-Century. And in geek-heavy work environments (academia, IT, etc.), gripes about the D20 system have joined Monday Night Football as a primary topic of watercooler conversation.

Warcrabs is an attempt to bring back some of the illicit majesty of the old wargaming culture. The game is designed to be played on the sly, right in your office. Like workers at AssHoTech, Warcrabs players have the most fun when the game becomes a secret hobby, a cryptic way of whiling away a break at work. The rules below explain the basics of AssHoTech’s crabfighting culture, an show you how to simulate that culture in your office.

The Rules of Crabfighting

At AssHoTech, crbfighting rings are governed by a few rules of honor. AssHoTech workers may be enlightened Pastafarian science fiction fans with advanced degrees, but they regard these rules with deep, almost religious reverence.

The rules: Never talk about crabfighting. NEVER TALK ABOUT CRABFIGHTING. Never spend more money than you’ve won. It’s all about unintended consequences.

Rule #4 is perhaps the one most in need of explanation. When you read the introduction to this game, you may have asked yourself why prosperous, successful college graduates would risk their careers to watch a few crustaceans beat the shit out of each other. Or you may have asked yourself “how can I get in on this thing?” The world seems to be divided between safe, sensible people and people who like to take risks and see what happens. Crabfighters are definitely of the latter category. They recognize that the risk of career disaster is part of the fun. They accept, with an almost fatalistic surety, that if they are fired for crabfighting, it was meant to be.

Indeed, as the people at the Employee Assistance Program keep reminding us, AssHoTech workers may subconsciously crave a downfall. After all, the world is rapidly going to hell in a handbasket, but these techies are still able to party like it’s 1999. Maybe they just can’t take the cognitive dissonance of being wealthy in a deteriorating world.

Making Money

At AssHoTech there is a small underground economy surrounding the crabfighting rings. The amounts of money in this economy are very small – but because workers are honor-bound to spend only the money they win in the game, crabfighting money isn’t like other money. It’s almost sacred.

In AssHoTech’s crabfighting matches, prizes are determined by a complex network of bookmakers. To avoid all the complexities of bookmaking, Warcrabs! has a simple system for simulating the prize system in crabfighting.

Each battle comes with a prize of 1D6 times the number of crabs in the match (it is possible to have a Grand Melee featuring many crabs and a large prize).

Also, the last crab left standing wins all the money remaining in the account of the crabs he defeats. (A good incentive to buy all the equipment you can afford before each combat.)

If your crab is killed, you have to start over with a new crab and $1.98 in cash.

Experience Points – For each crab you defeat in combat, you get one Experience Point, which you can use to increase your crab’s abilities. Each experience point can be used to increase your crab’s Strength, Dexterity or Endurance by one point. Please note that each of these abilities has a maximum value of 10. If you max out all your abilities, you can use apply experience points to your increase your base number of Hit Points, giving you a Hit Point value that exceeds your crab’s Strength.

Simulating the Witch Hunt

At AssHoTech, getting caught crabfighting is a career-ender – but fortunately, there are many people who are in on the secret and are willing to cover for you.

That explains why crabfighters are able to equip their warcrabs with fireworks and flaming weapons, and use them in combat, without always getting caught and losing their jobs. Obviously, the sound of firecrackers in a modern workplace would normally bring SWAT teams and news crews running, but at AssHoTech, pyrotechnics are accepted as part of the background noise. When they hear explosions from another office, AssHoTech workers just cough a lot and say, “Oh, that noise? It was probably just that copier acting up again.”

But sometimes things happen that are too big to cover up. There are mishaps -- uncontrollable fires, injuries to workers and damage to equipment -- that can only lead to an investigation. And sometimes high-level managers, perhaps even T. Fred himself, just walk right into an office and catch a ring of crabfighters.

We thought about making rules to govern mishaps, but this got too complicated and slowed down game play. So we came up with a simple rule to govern getting caught. If you’re ever forced to explain what you’re doing to an outsider, consider yourself caught – and fired.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

Ethan and Leroy are locked in heated combat in Leroy’s cubicle during a coffee break when Michelle approaches.

MICHELLE: Hey, what are you guys doing?

ETHAN: Ah, nothing. Just talking shit. Nothing really.

LEROY: (Smiles and say nothing. He really really likes Michelle.)

MICHELLE: I see dice over there. Don’t tell me you guys are getting up a D&D campaign. Middle school is over!

ETHAN: Busted. Once a dungeon master, always a dungeon master.

MICHELLE: You guys… (Shakes her head. She smiles warmly, but with a hint of pity in her eyes.)

LEROY: Oh, come on, Ethan. Just tell her the truth. Michelle, we’re not playing D&D. We’re playing this cool game called Warcrabs. It’s sort of a corporate-satire thing. Very hip. Didn’t you read about it in Wired?

In this scenario. Leroy truly is busted. As is Ethan. He has broken the first rule of crabfighting, which is not to talk about crabfighting. In the game world, he and Ethan are both caught and fired.

Here’s an alternate scenario:

MICHELLE: I see dice over there. Are you guys getting up another game of D&D?

ETHAN: Hey, look, don’t tell anybody, but… we’re playing craps.

MICHELLE: No way, how old school.

ETHAN: It was Leroy’s idea. When he was working at the Shanghai office, he used to always see working-class Chinese guys playing craps in the street. He started joining in and kind of developed a taste for it. He’s pretty good.

MICHELLE: Whoa. Cool. I don’t even know how to play craps. Can you show me, Leroy?

Now that’s how it’s supposed to be done. Leroy and Ethan stay in the game, and Leroy might even get the girl.

If you do get caught, you have to discard (see the Rogue Crabs rules below) your current crab and start over again with a new crab. In game terms, you are now a new worker, just joining the crabfighting culture.

This rule applies only if you’re “caught” while in an actual crabfighting session. You are free to talk about crabfighting between battles, and even to recruit new players to the game. And if you are “caught” crabfighting by another Warcrabs! player, it doesn’t count. You can keep your crab and go on like normal. A good reason to recruit your entire office into a crabfighting ring!